In November I wrote you a post called Becoming Lauren, which was about centering the softer, former-lover part of me.
Lauren is the name I created for myself almost two decades ago, when I started my quest to develop my love life, and in tandem with that, became a writer.

I never set out to become a writer yet it became clear from the get go I would never be able to step on the journey, let alone complete it, without becoming a writer.
Every quest requires transformation, and self-reflection is by far the most thorough as well as most autonomous way to do that. Had I not become a writer, I would have top-heavy burdened my friendships.

But now that it’s all in the past, every element surrounding Lauren Harteveld requires a review.

Do I still need that amount of reflection, now that I no longer have a sex life?
And I know for an absolute fact I will never let things get that complicated again.
But how can I keep what the past two decades brought me?

November’s post was an attempt to outline all the good Lauren brought me, and how I would want to, and need to, start designing my life more consciously in order to honor “her”, and not be burdened by work.

Little by little, and definitely with a generous amount of trial and error, the past six weeks have been about acting accordingly.
About giving “Lauren”, the soft sensual writer side of me who as a rule wants nothing to do with the outside world unless it’s really really good and sweet;
About giving her more space.

But what it made clear is that contrary to what I thought, the person I need to be focusing on in order to reach this space and atmosphere where Lauren can thrive is not Lauren;
It is her bodyguard.

It’s like that quote you often give me on creating Art being about creating the space where Art become inevitable.
I “only” need to create the space where Lauren becomes inevitable.
The space/ the life, where “of course” my inner-Lauren would want to be!

I need to be her body guard, protector, guardian angel, beneficiary, Landlady, Housekeeping and accountant so that she can do the only thing she wants to do:
Enjoy life in all its softness and sweetness.

Since my final letter to you I have been coming to terms with that, and that therefor the focus is not on Lauren.
It’s on giving Bodyguard-me full authority to keep people out, to set boundaries, control access, check identities, run background checks and to never let anyone interfere with Lauren before full clearance.

Even past interactions are no guarantee you will immediately be granted access;
The situation we are in, will be vetted every single time.
Access All Areas-passes will expire immediately after the event.

Now that I know this, which is only a recent insight, life has become incredibly simple, because for starters, the bodyguard only works 40h/week.
Any interaction needs to be within that time, because without her bodyguard Lauren does not even pick up her phone.

The only productive or worldly thing Lauren does, is writing. First thing AM, in her bathing robe, and letting it lavishly flow into her day, taking as many hours as she needs.

And her bodyguard still fast asleep.

.
~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living