This is a letter to my creativity coach Sara
Before our call I always give her a headsup.

Dear Sara,

It has been, like the song goes, “raining men” ever since our last call.
And I am so terribly grateful for all of these experiences, after the slow breakup of a relationship that lasted a decade yet that never truly happened.
Neither the relationship, nor the breakup.
They were both soft, indirect and played out like chess.

The past few weeks saved me, from that silent and lonely post-breakup period.
Eighteen months where I designed the blueprint to my new love life, in which I wanted three lovers. But also the time I wondered;
“Who am I kidding, I don’t even have one!”

That time, has ended.
The pieces are moving.

Someone I had a click with turned out to be far more available than I could know;
I also met someone new;
And the only two men I ever fell in love with through correspondence both wrote me for the first time since 2024.

Yet at the same time I find myself being drawn to only one man, another one.
I’m absolutely mesmerized by him and today I realize that (t)his story needs to unfold first, so that if I indeed ever have three lovers, it will be after understanding him. What it is about him, that is so captivating to me.

What is it, that I am lacking, denying myself or not owning, that it has created a hole the size of a grown man?
But there is more. (much more!)

Because I feel that the lesson he holds for me, is something so abstract that I can “harvest it”, without us ever being involved in any way.
So although of course I hope he’s falling head over heels in love with me too, and we start this beautiful gorgeous affair with all the bells and whistles;
That I, and in all probability he as well, no longer need that.

I feel he is emitting a frequency or a message, a teaching – and I know this sounds both ridiculous as well as invasive in all sorts of ways so please forgive me for that! – that anyone (not just me!) who is around him can pick it up.

And if that is true then the fact that I think, and feel, that I am madly in love with him, may actually be a very simplistic and limited label.
To try to make sense of something that I have never encountered before.

Before I move on to becoming a lover again, whether from him or any other man, I need to figure out what this is.
What it is about him, that has me spellbound.
It feels like a clue to a part of myself I don’t have access to.

Then, to complicate matters even further, I find myself fantasizing;
“Okay but what if this does turn into an affair and he breaks your heart, which we know he will, then what?!”
And another layer of mystery and spirituality unravels.
Because how cool would it be, to counter, oppose, heal, the damage of the violent heartbreak at 16 and at 36, if this time, I undergo it willingly.
Like a test if I learned anything, if I can find my ground, keep having faith in myself and if I can be with the overwhelming pain and loss, one more time?!
I mean wow…. that is some challenge.
To experience it again, but consciously this time.

And I have an ulterior motive to wish for such a heartbreak;
A desire to have my heart cracked open.

The past decade with my lover, the affair, and then all the other factors that caused layer after layer of hardening-
It needs to be undone.

As much as I enjoy being in complete control of my emotional life-
It needs to end.
I need to start feeling again, and for so many many reasons.

I feel his presence, his breakup or even his simple rejection, could do that trick. It might even explain my fascination for him, the spell;
He is the only who could still break my heart, despite its hardening.

I have so many thoughts about him, I can hardly keep up!
And about concepts that are entirely foreign to me. And from angles I have never used, it’s all so new!
It’s like a book opens to a whole new world, I did not know existed.

Or, or, or, it’s none of that.
Because I once told you I am a monogamist. But I never told you what that means. 
It means my default mode is always, and has always been, to have only one lover, one boyfriend, or one partner, so it was indiscriminately of my status in their lives.
Because the man I was in love with, always had the same status in mine.
He was The One.

This whole letter could be nothing more than me realizing I am monogamous.

And that my heart has already chosen.

.
~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living