This is a letter to my creativity coach Sara
Before our call I always give her a headsup.

Dear Sara,

Literally, Sara? Where do I begin?
For the longest time I was unbothered by our new arrangement landing on monthly calls, and therefor just sending you one monthly letter.
There was always a topic at the top of my mind that was clearly the right one to address, regardless of the fact that of course!
Four whole weeks had passed by and there had been other angles, other events, other topics which would have been equally valid to bring to the table.
It’s not like my life was on standstill, and there was only one thing on my mind which then automatically became the topic of our call.

But there was always something, one thing (not a multitude) that I was emotionally entangled in. 
And now?
Nothing.

For the first time since 2018 when we started with weekly calls, my mind is not engaged with something important.
And I feel incredibly peaceful.

And yet in terms of events, the weeks were so incredibly full and I did many important things. But it’s all like “okay”.
Although in the words of someone who knew a thing or two about women:
“My mother told me that when a woman says she is okay, she never is.”
For now my okay feels mostly unfamiliar.

So let’s unpack my two biggest insights.
About the root causes of what happened the past decade or so.
Why.
And how to move forward. 

First off, the title of this blogpost “Where do we begin?”.
It was the only thing even remotely usable I could come up with, creating the Canva image. And even for the imagery, since I had no idea what this blogpost would be about, I let myself be inspired by Canva’s “Magic Recommendations”.
Which gave me antique objects and stationary. Since I liked the vibe, I finished the collage with a vintage photo of a woman.

But the title is a reference to the podcast from Esther Perel, Where do we begin, which was couples therapy.
Which is a great begin, for sharing my first insight because it is this;
That my loneliness as a single, although never having been a conscious choice, has become a way of life.

That much like people who are together ultimately end up having a relationship, even when neither one officially asks the other person for consent.
In the same way, I ended up having a relationship with myself.
Not because I chose to, but because it happened. Because when given the choice, I much rather solve the problems of being single, than the problems of being in a relationship.
And I like dates with myself, meaning typing a letter to my coach on Sunday night, way more than being with a friend or a lover, at this time of day.

So it’s not I cannot imagine a fantastic night out, where the memories would last me throughout 2025;
It’s just that I have known that for the past couple of years, I am my own best company.
Or my work is, writing is.

And what happened is that I have been able to identify two breaking points here, that have attributed to this situation.
One was eight years ago, when my best friend migrated and half a year later my cat died, with whom I had a symbiotic relationship.
That was when my world fell apart, but also, it was the moment when I started realizing I was alone and my mental health started to deteriorate very fast.

Fortunately, I found my feet again and even survived the first breakup to my lover, confident to not let this destroy me, when the pandemic hit.
The second event.

Where in hindsight the first breaking point had been about me realizing I was all alone, as in the consequences of not having children or a partner;
The pandemic became the breaking point of realizing I was all alone in society.

I have never seen people being more insufferable as the pandemic years. In the first years the measures (in the Netherlands) were just inhumane, and caused tremendous suffering not just for me, but also for people in nursing homes and so on.
The whole approach as if we were fighting Ebola instead of a flu like disease, was in my opinion ridiculous, and we had government organizations tracking everybody you had been in contact with, if you were infected.
And then the final years of the pandemic the government demonized unvaccinated people, and gas lit them into complying and they were not allowed to enter restaurants and so on.

And the number of people who picked up that both phases had been deeply disturbing, was so limited, in particular under those who got vaccinated (even though those two areas should have nothing to do with each other since wanting the vaccination should not affect your ability to see this should always be a free choice);
I will never trust “them” again.

And not because I think the government had some super plan to take over our minds or free will, because I do not believe in conspiracy theories either.
But because group pressure and that includes the group of people living in the same nation or city, is just so toxic I have seen with my own eyes people are no longer able to thinking straight.
Matthias Desmet calls it the psychology of mass formation.

But what it taught me is that I am alone.
Not just because I am single, which was the shock that undermined my mental health years prior;
But alone because everybody around me cannot be trusted.

2020 and the years that followed brought the realization that I fundamentally do not belong.
And that consequentially, and in all likeliness, I have absolutely nothing of value to offer to anyone, since what I do has always been under the assumption that you know how to think for yourself.

So the original living single crisis, turned into an existential loneliness crisis, and then in a professional crisis.
Since I, referring to the title again, literally have no idea to begin.

And then now the good news.
Because I am beginning to understand why I am so keen to start my new profession. And I’m not going to call out systems and titles or names, but for now let’s just define it as that I will be a project manager, working according to a certain methodology.

So!
Spelling it out – why did this grey mouse profession of being a special-skills project manager appeal to me so much?

Because of course, as this project manager, it is my business to get all those hidden toxic structures out in the open and do something about it.
If I manage a million dollar project, like hell “gas lighting people into cooperating” is going to be the way we execute!

By learning a new profession, at practical and applicable level, I am able to step back into a society I thought I would never see from the inside ever again.
And in a positive and constructive way, where I can be of service doing the unpopular work of exposing anything fishy, but also offering a solution.
A new way of working, so we can all thrive.

My new grey mouse profession will not give me belonging.
That ship sailed in 2020, or at least that was the moment I realized I wasn’t on the boat.

And it will also not change my mind about being single, but I am at the point where I can say that “we” (me and me) have been together for so long now, I’m gonna take care of this relationship with the same care and effort I would if it had been with someone else.

If I start counting the moment I moved out from my ex, I have been with me for 16 years!
I am definitely past the point I’m gonna give that up for a new person. 
I’m taken.

So when I say I am okay, I mean that the consequence of being single is that when your best friend moves and your cat dies, you’re completely alone;
Maybe okay means, I have come to terms with that.
And that it really is okay now.

And maybe okay professionally and within society means that 2020’s shock about who other people were will never be undone, but I have found a way to make myself useful.
A way to contribute so that it no longer matters that at heart we are so incredibly far apart.
And that we’ll never have warm feelings for each other.

But that as long as we do not beat each other over the head;
It really, really, is okay.

~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living