This is a letter to my creativity coach Sara
Before our call I always give her a headsup.
.

Dear Sara,

There have been two movies that have changed me this summer: Drive (2011) with Ryan Gosling.
Which pushed me into my Sigma female identity even deeper than weeks of watching YouTube videos on her, had already done.

That he played a Sigma male, not a female, didn’t really make a difference.
If anything, it made the character more relatable to me since I have discovered that although I do not identify as a man, my likes and dislikes are so masculine, I’ve started giving my first disclaimers this summer, as to manage expectations.
Don’t count on my femininity sugar coating things.

The fact that Driver is a criminal, something I do not have the nerves for (not to mention the moral ambiguity), also didn’t make a difference.
Yet Driver’s violence?
Although yes, initially I thought that was among the coincidental things as well, and that I was more drawn to the love story;
Well that violence, can no longer count as a coincidence at all considering the second movie that changed me:

Deadpool.

“Come again. This time in my ears.”

One of the countless sexual jokes, in this R rated movie. And all, left me hungry for more.
Deadpool’s voice is melodic and seductive, and his moves elegant and expressive like a professional dancer.
Which is because if required, such as in the opening scene, they were actually done, by a professional dancer!

But it only shows the importance they have placed on getting it right.
That they understood this character’s physical potential, and didn’t let one drop of Deadpool’s buckets of sexual zest go to waste.

I feel like the introversion of Driver and the extroversion of The Merc with the Mouth, as Deadpool is called (Merc comes from mercenary), touch on two sides of me (Deadpool would now nod at the camera) that I feel are  both necessary to feel whole and complete.

Driver’s introversion and emotional distance are required, both to get more comfortable in my isolation and to get over the still sub-consciously lingering idea that this is some post-pandemic thing that will ever go away;
And Driver’s qualities are also needed to keep me on track in life.
To make calculated decisions how much I want to invest, and where.

The character of Driver represents the power of the lone wolf in me.
The Sigma.

But I only just realized that it is the Deadpool extroversion that I have been denying myself of.
Driver’s introverted dominance, on the other hand? Oh, I think the early 90s movie Basic Instinct and seeing it in theaters a dozen times, told me all about being a poweress, without using muscles!
But I think I missed something these last couple of decades…

Something that could have saved me from feeling so terribly uncomfortable around people, that I have started calling it a straight up phobia.
I’m not shy or something, but to me it feels like it is so necessary, to be dominant in a positive way, in order to make people feel safe, and to therefor be safe myself.

I feel that if you don’t make your mark, deciding on the mood, being in control and setting some boundaries firmer than Wolverine’s adamantium skeleton;
Things start off on a slippery slope on which the only way is down.

Yet I have missed the skills to do that, also because I didn’t know anybody who could dominate the room in such a lighthearted yet dangerously direct manner as Deadpool.
Just like I didn’t know anyone as conscious of her power as the female writer in Basic Instinct.

Like I studied Basic Instinct, I will now study this, until I master it. Just like I have become good at playing the femme fatale dressed in white, whom you just can’t stop thinking about.

So this summer, in its own way, has been action packed.

But the reason this all means significantly more to me, is because there is such a huge astrological event happening now!

You may have heard of the Aquarian Era, which is linked to Pluto’s orbit.
It is moving into Aquarius.

However!
Because planets move in a two or more steps forward, one or less steps back fashion, it takes twenty months between a planet like Pluto moving into Aquarius for the first time, and then moving into it permanently.
In those 20 months, every retrogade it has been moving back into Capricorn.

Now currently though, we are on Pluto’s final retrogade in Capricorn.

On October 12th, it will start moving direct, and on 19th of November 2024, Pluto moves into Aquarius again, where it will stay for 20 years.

And this?
Closes the Capricorn era, the journey each and every one of us started in 2008.
Which journey?
That is something you must figure out for yourself.
But the You of the past 16 years was a different one, than the one you will be after November….

It’s time to take yourself through one more round, and get right what you did wrong.
And wrap up what you did right.

In 2008 my journey in my love life started.
It made me the Basic Instinct mistress I am today, or at least was, until my lover moved away.
We stopped having sex before Pluto hit Aquarius, and I remember that month being the first time I realized I was losing him.

If I interpret the stars correctly, the cycle of Catherine Tramell, the name of the writer in Basic Instinct and the role model with whom I have identified the most, that cycle has ended.
It’s done, it’s internalized. I know her, and I own her power and dominance.
I am her, exactly like a ton of YouTube videos where the maker admits “I am him” about the movie Drive!
I have introverted dominance under my belt *Deadpool steps in with R rated joke*

I m now taking myself back to 2008, the year where I know exactly what I was doing because I was already a diarist (and it’s all in my book Dutch American Diary, bookstore) but I was also a yoga teacher and in the absolute best shape of my life!

And I want that body back, to start all over again. The same body I had in 2008.
I know I can do it, and I will.

Wouldn’t it be great, if I had that to enter this new Plutonian cycle with?!
And I have 77 days to get it.

“What did you just say?”

“I have 77 days to get it”

“No I mean before that.”

“If I had that?”

“You lied! You have no idea if you will be able to get it!”

The Merc with the mouth.
After 16 years of being the writer with the pen, I’m ready for a change.

.
~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living