This is a letter to my creativity coach Sara
Before our call I always give her a headsup.
.

Dear Sara,

The addition “the rush job” is of course because we pulled our appointment forward by a week, which means that I am now in a hurry to write a blogpost that I could otherwise have thrown thousands of words and a few hours on.

And funnily; I actually prefer it this way.
The thinking about this topic was definitely done, the magic had dropped yesterday.
Shortening the list of topics I will be known for, from about four, all under my real name, to one.

Which in short is, this.
Being LS Harteveld.
A 21st century diarist.

So why did I fall astray?
Why have I been neglecting my Lauren Harteveld work so badly this year that I apparently forgot who I was and what truly mattered to me?
Building a business under my real name, is what happened.

And somewhere along the line, I started taking that too seriously.
I actually started thinking I actually WAS that person.
That my work, and the success, under my real name, really defined who I was, when that was never what it was about.

Its function is to give me a place in the world, the city, the family, the country I am born into.
Because the “real” me, how I indentify, is and has been since 2006, my alterego Lauren Harteveld.

You don’t choose an alterego because you want a phony front;
You choose it because you create a space with your art, where the real you can live. And this real you, as in authentic, wants their own real name, and you give it to them.
It is the alterego that is the real person because what we put into our art is our soul work.

My body, my house, my boots on the ground, come with so many restrictions and also, as a solitary woman, it comes with liabilities and safety issues.
Choosing an alterego for my diary writing has been one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life.

But this is of course why I forget who I am, from time to time. And forget what really matters.
The other side of me, is the one that gets validated on a daily basis.
It is easy to forget about Lauren.

The first time I thought about writing you this letter, which was about two weeks ago already, I had this curated list of areas of expertise which I had decided on as my core business.

There were still some hard nuts to crack, because the sheer number of the areas I had decided on, indicated that the rest would just have to go.
That keeping them on, may cost me my business.
But then again, if I cut the heart out of my business, meaning the part that was authentically me, I wouldn’t be speaking my true message anymore, and  effectively kill its soul. Or at least mine.

But nevertheless, I felt accomplished that I was at least thinking about the matter, and making progress in distinguishing the different elements and how they related.

Until, about a day ago and before I read your email giving an option to reschedule, I realized that none of them mattered.
Not really.

That even the most real-me part, under my own name, has to work with such severely limiting conditions compared to the freedom of the alterego-
That ultimately none of it matters.
Not really.

That the work under my real name and in the real world, should be 100% about connection and other people, completely driven by, and in service of , the world.

That my success “there” comes down to my ability to be able to monetize and finetune my small capacity for extroversion.
Because I don’t like the introvert business models.
I absolutely don’t want to produce online courses, or a commercial YouTube channel or something.
The only thing that would be an option is to be a published author, or self-published author.
Books are probably the only “online” introvert-friendly business model I would consider.

And my work under my real name serves me as well (not just others).
Because I may be an introvert, but I too need connection and belonging.
Working under my real name, provides this.

But what hit me one day ago, was although I was happy with the list of core areas for me to focus on under my real name;
Ultimately none of them mattered.
Not for the artist in me.
Not for the lover in me.
They “only” matter to my human side. Which is important, but it’s not who I really am.

Real me, is here.
Real me, is Lauren.
Real me, is the diarist Lauren Harteveld who connects to little more than her diary and to her lovers.
None of which have been existent, in 2024.

So ultimately, although the list with areas I will focus on under my real name is still under construction, the big Aha moment is that all of those areas should be in service of how functional they are socially, and business wise.
And that authenticity (under my real name) is important but that I concluded over 15 years ago, that I did not want my most authentic Self to be known under my normal name.

That I chose my diarist work, my Anais Nin of the 21st century work, the work that will hold up and only grow more relevant exactly like her work did;
I chose to do that as Lauren.

I already chose where my soul would live, in 2007.

Here.

.
~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living