This is a letter to my creativity coach Sara
Before our call I always give her a headsup.
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Dear Sara,

The month flew by, just like the year has flown by.
But what a grateful ride it was.

And just days before my birthday I got another piece of the puzzle, the puzzle of what always goes wrong, what will always fit, and the puzzle of where I intend to go with this whole thing called Life.
For lack of a less dramatic word.

But first about the ride itself;
Both the time between our calls, as well as the past year that has flown by.
Since they will both be marked, by our upcoming call on my birthday.

So first the past month.
I expected the fact that we had a four week interval between our calls, which has been three weeks throughout the year, with the exception of a few special occasions when it was less, to cause trouble or a pause of some sort.

That I would have all these stories to tell, and may even have been looking for advice on a certain area of my life.
Some deep questions I could not possibly bother someone else with but that could only be answered in this intoxication combination of first writing you a letter, and then to have a call where we occasionally dive deeper into it, but usually go with the flow and end up digging into a completely different area.
Meaning our call has solved or contributed in two areas, instead of one!

But no, didn’t miss it!
The month flew by, and although our work together means more to me than ever, and I hope to be allowed to stay on as your client until the day you retire, I do think it is great that apparently I am still an independent soul and that we did not accidentally create a codependent relationship.

Although without a doubt, this extra week has been the hardest, when an interpersonal problem presented itself, that made me think long and hard, about how I wanted to go about this.

Because the problem looked like something I knew very well how to handle, but there was something that halted my hand from taking action.

And although it was easy to blame it on procrastination, because interpersonal things are my achilles heel and it makes sense to suspect I’d do anything to put them off for a little while longer, this time it really was not done yet.
The thinking, was not done yet.

So I write you now, with this difficult conversation still to be held.
But I do cherish having given it a few extra days, and those were the days that was the extra week between our calls.
So the time was well spent.

Either way, what I have found out in this purgatory between knowing I need to change something and taking action next week, is that my social style (isn’t this one of those personality type quiz things?!) is to be a Peacekeeper, when I always thought or assumed I had somewhat of a rebellious streak.
Because I was a mistress.
Because I am sexually free and advocate it too.
And because I am on a personal vendetta against all things organized and systematized, for they are the embodiment of evil to me.

But no.
Although Peacebringer, would have been an even better word than the ableist sounding Peacekeeper (who helps things staying as they are, including all things unequal and toxic) I cannot count myself among the ones who will tear down the systems and start the revolution.

But I will bring peace where there isn’t any.

In those extra days between our calls, and with the difficult conversation hanging over me, I was able to pinpoint exactly where the conflict of interest lay in all those relationships I lost over the years.
And will keep losing, and I am okay with that now.
You could even say that my friendship style makes me completely unfit for the “most used” model of friendship.

That I am unable to give something that is perceived as safety or even as love, by most people.
And that it’s a good thing I know myself even better in this area, than the string of ended friendships had already taught me.

It also indicates that my most common friendships will be with men, and that friendships with women will either be spectacularly good or non existent.
And although these roles will of course not be a 100% gender specific, there is a reason why they will be working out in this fashion.

The most important part to it, is my own Peacekeeper identity.
I now understand this desire or talent I have within me, a talent which ideally is expressed but that as a hard limit requirement needs to be respected and to not be undermined.

This is the quality I call Peacekeeping, or the bringing of peace.
It is this quality that I need to step into unconditionally, instead of letting it be tossed around and messed with, depending on what someone else needs from the conversation or the relationship.

That I need my relationships to be super clean to the point of what others would call boring, without any expectations, arguments or power struggle within our relationship, and also without strive and struggle being projected on outside situations or external sources.
And I don’t just need that because it stresses me out, but also because chaos blocks what I can, and want to, bring to the table;
A sense of peace, where there was none.

How can I bring peace, if someone is attached to conflict in any shape or form?
I can’t, it’s that simple.

But also:
How can I bring real peace, if someone is attached to conflicts being solved with superficial and less demanding methods?
Also impossible.
Because that’s not real peace of course.

The way I see it now, my deepest friendships, will be with other Peacekeepers!

Men or women, who similarly to me, have a desire to use their potential to create peace and to solve conflict, in those situations that are susceptibele to it.
And who aspire to identify and navigate the situations that are beyond our control.

Whose strategy is to create harmony and beauty, and to leave people feeling better and more empowered.
If it wasn’t such a demanding way to live, both for ourselves as well as for those around us, you could easily mistake it for the strategy of unconditional love 😉

Because Peacekeepers do create bonds, communities, companies, etcetera, where we can love unconditionally, and we will do it with the intention to inspire all who come on our path to do the same.

While we also understand that we are in no position to judge others for choosing their values and for becoming the fully expressed version of whatever it is they embody.

So many conversations will follow, Sara.
Now that I know this, I am better at expressing what my highest work is in friendships (to bring peace in situations that you have not analyzed yet in full) but also what a demanding little bitch I am 😉

Because I am really only of use to people who aspire the same things.
Just having fun together and staying on the surface of our ideological differences, is in all probability a waste of your time trying to find that kind of thing with me;
But I know for a fact, that it is a waste of time for me.

That I, a Peacekeeper, need to be invited to the table when things need to be cut to the bone.
And not for a pint of beer, an all night bender, or even a conversation, if they serve as a way to forget about our problems.

That the problem, yours or my own, is what brings me to the table.
It is what I look forward to solving.
It is, if you believe in those things, why I am here on earth.

To solve things. Like riddles.
So there can be peace.

And that I feel insulted and get angry, but mostly I feel terribly out of place, if the problem is talked about but then solving it is withheld from me.
And I am cut off by, or forced to go along with, what might be very healthy coping strategies for others.
Just not for me.

The reason I have traditionally been way better with men than with women, is because men do not discuss their problems with me.
Creating a friendship that appears to be superficial, I know that.

But what my male friends have been doing, probably instinctively, is that they have committed to creating beautiful experiences.
For themselves, as well as those around them.
But we have to let them.

I, let them.

And there is nothing superficial about it.

So I think what I have nailed down, these last few days of the extra week that we scheduled between our calls, is that my highest work is that of Peacekeeping.
To create a neutral space without drama or pressing problems. A blank canvas.

And that my most striking friendships will be with other peacekeepers;
Those who desire to create peace and harmony, just like I do.
And that you will recognize our friendships by these deep powerful conversations, exactly like I have with you, Sara.
Even though our connection has the boundaries of a business relationship, the rhythm of having the conversation taking place at the allotted time slots and in the agreed upon ways of one letter and one call;
Oh, that is a recipe, for sure!

Deep relationships, whether the one between Peacekeepers or the one between Performers, which I will discuss next;
They need entirely different ways of communicating than what is currently normal at least here in The Netherlands!

People Whatsapp each other all the time, but that type of connection is detrimental to both deep Peacekeeping relationships as well as in most cases, to relationships based on Performing, which is the second relationship type I have identified myself of being capable of.

So the experience of having you as my coach, has taught me over the years, that my preferred communication style is literally nothing more than setting a date, and then showing up in the agreed upon fashion.
That’s it, anything else is baggage.

It’s also in line with how my lover and me used to make dates, all those years. 

Him: “Hi, can I buy you a drink? I’m in town Thursday.”

Me: “Great! Thanks for asking. Eight o clock, at the bar?”

Him: “Perfect. See you then.”

But before I move on to the Performer bit, I want to state that my Peacekeeper friends need to understand that others are entitled to exert their own values and play their own role.
And that it is never up to us to push our ideals of harmony onto others!

So now the Performer part?
What do I mean when I say that although the most obvious and deepest friendships will be with other Peacekeepers;
I will have many friendships with Performers?

And even that I will have relationships, where I play the role of Performer?

And why my easiest relationships will be with men?

It is because men like to entertain.
They love to use the peace and the blank canvas that I bring, to paint something beautiful onto it!
To create a date, an experience for the two of us.

So the reason my friendships with men have been so successful is because they do not mess with the peace I bring, AND they add something onto it!

Just like my lover respected the space and the peace I brought, to then direct and take responsibility for our time together.
He never let his personal problems spill over into our time together, and I loved being with him way too much to discuss anything with him.
It would be close to heresy!

So when I say the female/male divide is not absolute, I mean of course that there are women too, who love to create great experiences.
And they make great friends, and my Peacekeeping skills and their Performer skills complement.
I enjoy the work they put in and I can help them create peace in areas of their life where they cannot bring their highest work yet.

And there are men who are Peacekeepers, with whom I have great relationships too.

And then to bring it all to a close, there is definitely my own Performer side self. But I feel I have been overusing this.
I feel that, because it is more easily monetizable, and because it speaks to a broader audience, I have been overextending that part of myself.
And I need to realign ALL my work, to being about the deep work of creating peace.
Because that is my actual highest work.

That although I love creating experiences and having a more active role in contributing, it is not my biggest feature.
Performing, entertaining and being engaging, is not what I can do with my eyes closed and on 2 hours of sleep, and because of that being the Performer, is not sustainable to me.

Moving forward I should resist, being in relationships with people who are drawn to me as an Performer.
And focus on friends who appreciate me for my analytic Peacekeeping skills,
AND the ones who appreciate the blank canvas I bring, so they can shine in their ability to create beautiful shared experiences.

I should lead with being a Peacekeeper, not with being a Performer.

Like I said the month flew by, and as it was the 12th and final month of this year of my life, what a great ride it was.
Not just because I found that important cue to who I am, and how to live my life, but also because I really healed and got over the breakup with my lover.
Helped, by engaging with a new man.

He is no longer in my life, it was short lived.
And ironically, after the above analysis of me being a bringer of peace, it was because he feared I would blow up his life.
But I respect his withdrawal and I much rather have people removing themselves from my life, than to stay with expectations, fears or handing me responsibilities I am unwilling to take on.

But it was him, who healed the final part of hurt and confusion about December’s breakup with my lover.
Because my goal, my ultimate thing I wanted for myself sexually, was established without even trying;
Sexual autonomy.
Having a sexual identity without relying on external validation.

It was a lofty goal, and I thought it would take years, before I got there.
Turns out, it was actually quite feasible.
Maybe it was one of those things that once you know what your goal is, it is pretty much done. That it is more about the wording of the aim, the understanding of what it is you are pushing for. 
And less about that thing actually being hard, in any way.

So for the first time since puberty really, I feel sexually autonomous and free. I have no innate longing for lovers other than that I would see them as super nice additions to my already great life!
Cherries on top, icing on the cake, and valuable in every way, but their absence or presence will never define my sexuality.

I feel I have acquired a level of full sexual identity, sexual realization even, that cannot be taken away from me.
Exactly like I set out to achieve, to get out of this time alone.

Which does not mean I do not have sexual goals.
Because I do!

My next goal, or let’s say thing I am open to, in the upcoming year, and thereby leaving this year with the breakup behind me for good, is that I want to have three lovers.

I want having three men in my life, whom I date, to be my new normal.
And I have given this a lot of thought. Three is the right number.

First off, one is of course too few.
I had one lover, I have been with only one man, for years on end. And even though I was his mistress, and he had other women, I did not.
I dropped back to my natural monogamous state, which was feasible and satisfying to me, because he brought all the adventure I required.
Technically, my natural state is being in a Monopoly, so I am the monogamous person and he is polyamorous.
But that’s very complicated, and I don’t feel I am there yet. Maybe I never will. Anyway a Monopoly is more high maintenance and has the trap of becoming unequal because I am dependent on him but he not on me.
Just like I was dependent on my lover for sex, the past nine years, and he was not dependent on me.
Let’s not go there again.

So not counting the Monopoly, the thought-over, totally feasible relationship style I have come up with, is me having three lovers.

So not just one, not even a polyamorous man, because that puts me in a dependent position.
But also not two, because that sparks rivalry because they will think they only have to get rid of one man, to have me all to themselves.
And also because if one breaks up with me, I am down to one again.
But I want three lovers, because then it is clear to them, that I have multiple lovers and it avoids competition.
It makes sure that if one breaks up, I still have two left, and don’t become dependent.
And it is just the perfect number, to have three lovers.

If they want me for themselves, the next step is a Monopoly where they would have to swear to stay polyamorous and not become lazy, and they would have to take great care of me, and also the occasional lover or sexual experience would still be granted to me, to grow as a human being and to make sure that my monogamous ways stay fresh and by choice!

So it’s never a totally stale “I am faithful to you” situation, but the Monopoly would be something that a lover who really wants to go all in with me, could opt for.
As a natural monogamist, meaning it is extremely easy for me to have only one partner and requires a lot of work for me to have more than one, I think these two plans are both within my reach, as well as that they facilitate growth.
They will prevent the relationship with my lover to be recreated in that way, not with him, not with another man.

Days before my birthday now, and I really feel like this letter to you has summed up really important things that I found out.
About what happened last year, but also the years prior to that.

Why I lost all those people, and how to move forward.
That would have been a better title for this email.

Even though the breakup made this year challenging, it was far less challenging than many, many years prior to this one.
In the areas of body, health, business, and the future vision I hold for myself, so much changed for the better.
It has been the most amazing year, really.

And I look forward to many more.

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~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living