This is a letter to my creativity coach Sara
Before our call I always give her a headsup.

“Remember, remember the fifth of November”

old English rhyme, Guy Fawkes day
.

And yet also;
That I have been so terribly blessed!
Madness, mayhem, personal lives shot to pieces, or seeing those around you fall prey to misery and hardship;
I had none of it.

I’m coming out of what were the hardest years of my life, and I wouldn’t say I look like I have just returned from a spa or retreat – like was said of Ronald Reagan who seemed to have gotten younger, not older, during his presidency – but my body and looks also do not bear the marks of someone who has just resurfaced after a midlife crisis XL.

And like they say:
With great power, comes great responsibility.

With the first of my generation already dead and The Universe sorting out things that would have easily taken me down if it had not been for divine intervention-
there seems to be survival guilt kicking in.

Regardless of how good my new career under my real name will be, regardless of how much impact I will have;
How can I ever pay back the world, what it has given me?

As far as my love life goes, I am still on track with what I think I wrote you last time, in the Dark Femme Rising post.
I don’t have time to reread it now (I have had the busiest week of the year, and that includes this Sunday and the next two days), but I did notice (when copying it as a draft, to then overwrite with this post) that three weeks ago, I was already aware that one does not become, anything.
One does not get.

One simply is.

That when I set out to reinvent and personize my love life, in 2007, I could have short cut that by deciding I already was that strong lover, that woman fully owning her sexuality.
I didn’t need a man to be healed, nor did I need new sexual experiences that “did go well” or that “did reflect who I was”, in order to validate that I had grown and was now a different person.

I was already a different person the moment I read the White Tigress book from Hsi Lai.
Although I took little more from it than the identity
To this day I still feel I “should” read the book and study the techniques in it thoroughly, knowing fully well all I ever take and need is an IDENTITY!
It’s a pesky imposter syndrome to let go of, even when I know I have done the identity work, which was all I needed from it.
No new relationships, sexual encounters or new men required.
The thing was already done.

So I know I wrote that already last time, and all I can say is that my new Dark Femme identity, is indeed coming from the inside out.
I have a clear vision that I want to be so comfortable in my own skin, so confident in how I carry myself, but also so on point in my appearance and how I keep my house, that whether or not I have a lover (which since February I no longer seem to have), makes zero difference. 

Step two is to do the same thing for my career;
Whether or not my yoga classes are full, my roster is fully booked with mentoring and private classes – let it make no difference to how I see myself.

And those things are working, but I can feel it is asking of me, that I let go.
The past is proving to me, that all the good things in my life, including finding my lover late 2014-
it was never of my making.

I had spent 8 YEARS dating! Eight years, and none of those men came close to my lover.
The only one who did was someone I had known since my college years, so he too, was not in my life because I had taken dating seriously.
He too, had been brought to me by chance or The Universe, I had not willed him, into my life.

With the mountain of evidence, that the Universe takes far better care of me than I ever have, and that all it has ever required of me is to step up and start seeing myself as that person, I don’t know what is keeping me so long.
And why all this is still merely at surface level, of borderline intellectual knowledge.
Not a daily practice of living the life and being the person.

All I can say for now is that it has been.
And I intentionally leave that behind today.

I will remember the 5th of November 2023, as the day I freed myself.

.
~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

Books 

My diaries are available at LULU 
New books will be added.

Nederlands blog:
https://zegmaarlauren.com/