This is a letter to my creativity coach Sara
Before our call I always give her a headsup.
.

Dear Sara,

I would like to book an extra call, in the upcoming week. For two reasons. One is that we had a 4 week interval planned until the next one, so that I could have it on my birthday, and this was a longer time-frame than usual. 
On second thought, I want the call on my birthday to be an extra one, not a regular one.
So I should have requested another call regardless.

Secondly, I had such a massively profound insight, that I want to mull over with you!
And not on my birthday!
It really feels like I finally understand WHY my relationship with my lover has felt so meaningful. Why it has symbolized everything I value, and why even if I would no longer be seeing him –
the person I became, the person I had to be in that relationship, will last me a lifetime.

But the trick is:
How do I translate those principles and that identity?
How do I manage to be that person, even when the other people in my life, do not have his keeping-it-all-to-himself “Mr.Big” character?
Mr. Big, as I started calling him for my blog, in 2015 when our affair started.

How do I hold my ground as my version of poised, sexy Carry-the-writer (!this profession might be holding part of the clue! Hope we can get back to it!), when I have to play the role of entrepreneur, friend, family member, citizen or even a writer within fandom.

How do I roll out that persona I created with him, the strongest, most fun, most independent, most successful version of me, to the rest of my life?

I found out what it is I do different when in relationship to him. And that it is this exact skill, this carefully crafted trait, that I drop almost immediately, when I step out of “our bubble” and enter normal life!

And not only does it hurt me personally, to be a “Not-Her” version of myself;
But I am convinced that ultimately it also hurts the people around me.
That they too, the world at large even, would be far better off if I behaved in the way I do when I am, or was, with Mr. Big.

Energetically I can feel he’s “Off” towards me, and having a good time. Him and me are on Neutral. Although still full of potential 😉

But being surrounded by the gifts our relationship has brought me, is good company.
And besides I have set the intention to have two lovers, not one.
This time away from each other could be the thing that gives me the space to welcome a new lover.

So the thing I have analyzed that makes me so intensely happy when I am with him, is that he is immune to any pulling, or whining or neediness from my side, whatsoever.
Just like the real Mr.Big from the series.
Immune means that he does not come to the rescue and accommodate whatever there is to accommodate to, so that things get more pleasant for me.

And that is why I have had no other choice than to uplevel to a place where I no longer use pulling or whining or neediness.
A level where we BOTH only show up when we are our radiant, confident selves-
but also a place where if the other slips and does not show up in that form, the other one does not take the bait!

We have gotten so good at this, and have been at this level from almost the very beginning (after the first months of drama, where I figured this out!), that the dynamics have become so strong, so ingrained, that trying to trigger a fight (masculine form of whining) or triggering empathy, has become impossible.
Because even if one of us falls into that behavior of trying to get the other to come over and behave in a different way, “for cheap”, without taking full responsibility for what it is they want;
Then the other will not pick up that ball.
Even when the other does feel the emotional trigger, as we all do, there will be like an intervention on their own feelings, not to respond.

A deep understanding that if we would start responding to each others passive aggressive balls, rolled through the gate of communication, we’re done.
With us, the other will never do the work of comforting, of pampering over your ego, of saying it will be alright;
If you yourself are not able to articulate and propose in a way that leaves room to say No.

You need to ask permission to step through the gate, you have to earn it.
You have to seduce the other, into opening it.
And if any one of us tries to negotiate why they have a right to go through that gate of communication always (solid or real relationship), or if they try to trigger the other person into ending it and closing the gate for good;
The other person does not respond.

But that gate does not stand alone.
It is attached to something;
A castle.

And the castle, with the gate that needs magic words for it to open?
That castle is not something you can enter into, by labeling it this and that.
You can’t say: “we have a relationship” and poof! Castle appears!
No;
This castle was created.

By giants and for giants.

Enter: The secret why I loved being with him so much.
And the reason I still feel so good.
I stepped into my giantess powers in being with him!
And I got to keep that.

What I learned, literally, is to hold the space for a giant, and in order to do that I had to become a giant myself.
Although we do not share assets in a worldly sense, and even though I can no longer feel him at this point, I feel I got to keep the castle! 

So far for the description of how my relationship, my affair, with Mr.Big has unfolded over the years.
And why it has been so much fun, and why I found my true strength, my giant powers, in being with him.
And that I got to keep our energetic real estate.

Now to the other side of the coin, where I seem to lose who I am, and my giant powers are nowhere to be found.
But first how men like Mr.Big are tricked into losing their powers!
Because that, their other side of the coin, has been so easy for me to  see. How they are tricked into giving up their power.

The most popular way to deal with men like Mr.Big is to break them.
There are many cases of even the biggest Don Juan’s, having been tamed “successfully”.
Quotation marks because taming, changing or ruining someone’s personality is a bad thing by definition. Not to mention in this case a total loss.
And the process seems to be irreversible;
Either it doesn’t really stick, and the marriage or relationship strands within a few years and the man falls back into his own behavior which he never gave up in full.
He just wanted to be good and normal, but his woman was unable to create the change he so desired.

But if the change is successful?
If a new relationship, helped by public shame and guilt over his former ways, has him pinned down into being monogamous?
I have not seen anyone bounce back from that.

I do not run such a risk.
Not the risk of being forced into a monogamous relationship, but also not the risk of ending up with a man who does not have other girlfriends.
I know what I need;
And if forced, I would still never settle for a man who does not have other women, but I could make peace with being monogamous myself.
In fact that is my default.
I have not had another man in those 8.5 years, with the exception of one man in the first 18 months. But that was someone who had been my lover already, and for the first two years whenever he visited the Netherlands he would visit me.
Until after two years we found out it didn’t work.
My feelings for Mr.Big were just so overwhelming, and I was so attached to his ways, so attached to him, that the lover for whom I had been willing to migrate just one year prior to meeting Big;
No longer had a place in my life.

Monogamy, for me personally (me seeing other people), is a matter of principle more than practice. The issue at hand being that I do not want to be in a relationship with someone who desires for me to be faithful, or who needs me to be faithful because otherwise his feelings are hurt and he is insecure.
I do not want a man whose self-worth is hanging by the thread of my fedility.
I want a man who desires me to grow, also sexually, so he is forced to up his own game as well.

So although I can see Don Juans falling prey to monogamous relationships where they in my opinion violate the essence of who they are, and are no longer in integrity;
I do not run that risk myself because I don’t feel guilty over not being monogamous, and see non-monogamy as a principle I endorse and live by. For many reasons.

So for the longest time I thought that meant my lesson was “finished”. That I had passed. I had learned and integrated everything there was to learn about my now 8.5 year long affair with Mr.Big and that was the end of it.

Until this new insight that I got, that contrary to most if not all non-monogamous men I know, in the field of love (yes) I do have an A+ in understanding why I resent Monogamy, and I did implement all the lessons I learned!
I will never fall into the monogamy trap, not now not ever.

But what I failed to see is that in practically ALL other relationships- friendship, family, and every and all group settings where I am not the boss of things – I fail, where non-monogamous men do not (credit to them!).

The non-monogamous men, when tamed, still possess their ability to not react and respond to every other thing, and please whomever wants that.
And I fail miserably.

I fail just as spectacularly as those men when they buy into the idea that they can become faithful husbands for the right woman
Sara, I fail like I have NOT, learned ANYTHING!
Just like those Don Juan’s men run into those monogamous relationships like it will save their very soul, that’s how I have behaved.
I’ve been socially all over the place, like my life depended on it.
Like I was a completely different person, than the giant in the castle.

I completely betray myself in these social connections, in a way that would totally repel me in a love relationship.
I am not just a shadow of who I really am; I feel like the qualities that were completely natural and desirable as the Giantess of the Castle, are now only available to me in a mutilated form that even I do not want to touch.

Here is a list of the things I do, I would say “for love”, but it is not love. Here are the things I do because I am displaying socially acceptable behavior, and completely betray who I am.

-I take responsibility for making people feel at ease
-I am emotionally available to hear what people have experienced in their contact with me
-I respond to passive aggressive silences, thinking I have done something wrong, even though I know cold-shouldering should always be ignored as a principle
-I try to find connection where clearly, the other is NOT communicating:
“Hell yes! Would love that!”

WHY Sara?
WHY?

I want my gateway to the world to be set just as tight, as it is in my love life.  And I want to be the giantess EVERYWHERE.

You only get in communication with me, when you take full responsibility for what you want, and you leave space for me to say No.
You never, have a right to go through that gate.
You need to seduce me.

In all those years, I failed to see that it was never the practice of monogamy, I rebelled against;
It is the underlying principle.

It is that two people even NEED the other to be faithful, in order for them to be okay with themselves and feel safe-
it is THAT, that needs addressing.
It is THAT, that I resent.
It is THAT, I will never allow to exist in the area of my love life.

But from now on, it is also THAT, the principle of needing things on an emotional level, from someone else, in order for you to feel safe;
It is THAT work, I no longer want to do.

Ever.

If I need to be someone, or something, in order for that other person to feel loved or seen, or safe?
I should not respond.
The gate should stay closed.

I would like to understand why that giantess came out of her castle and tried to make herself fit into the smallest of towns;
When the lady has a fuckin’ fortress.

~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living