For years I have tried to intellectually understand my relationship to my creativity, and the place it had in the world.
And I have done the same with my relationship to my sexuality.

The first question seems to have been answered, as I have separated my creativity from my work.
And since LS Harteveld has flatlined, my creativity has taken shape under my real name, supporting the two business, that I now have up and running.

One international coaching business, since February. And one yoga company, which I finally created a sales offer for last week.
They’re both very new, and setting up the Dutch yoga company has definitely slowed down the development of the first business.
In particular creating a yoga-related offer to sell, without giving myself a  single ride down poverty lane, has required a lot of mental bandwidth. It was processing in the back of my head for weeks.

But it’s done now.
I have successfully given myself an identity, two promising careers, and an outlet for my creativity!

So that’s done, but the second question how my sexuality relates to who I am in the world, or maybe it is better to say my sexual identity, how that relates to the world?
That has not gone anywhere, the past couple of years.

The quest I had set out, to find out who I was sexually- a quest that started getting direction with buying a translation of the book White Tigress by Hsi Lai in February 2007- came to an end when I found my groove being a mistress.
And although the relationship with my lover has been susceptible to change, the values it represents are solid.
The quest was completed.
I learned I need a relationship where a man stays sexually active with other women. But to not bring that into his relationship with me. I certainly do not want to have conversations about it.

What I want is a man with an aura of flirtation, possibilities and mystery. I want him to be like a butterfly, so I can feel special when he lands on me and wants to be with me.

I want a man to be the lightness that I, as a heavily introverted writer, do not have.
I want him to shine the light I do not have.

On a less romantic note;
We’re now in a quiet phase where he is neither in nor out. On pessimistic moments (of which there are many) I call it, he’s “quiet quitting” on me.
Something I coach myself through with vigor, f.e. by setting up three companies within 6 months, as we will see before this blogpost has ended.

What happened during the pandemic, was that the solitary relationship style, and not wearing my sexual identity in public, turned against me.
I felt the pandemic had awakened social forces that pulled apart the social spectrum and created social vacuums for those unwilling to become emotionally invested in either side.
It were years where you were welcome to join either one of the polarized camps, but both required that you took the situation seriously.

Either the situation of health risks, or the situation of freedom being taken away.
I refused to care or fear for either one of them, and in the process lost the connection to society I had always felt.
I lost my belonging, and feel alienated.
This has not restored in any way, if anything it has gotten worse.
Ever since the pandemic I feel I’m living in the Matrix, that reality does not exist. 

OMG…. I can see now….. Writing you and suddenly I see why this question of my sexuality seems so important. Because it is my way out.
Or not way out but way “back in”.

My sexuality is the only thing that can bring me back to life.

My real life. Before the pandemic it was okay to have my sexuality safely stored under my alter-ego LS Harteveld;
But I can no longer afford that luxury. It is the only thing that will be able to save me.
The only thing that can bring me back on earth.

When I opened this blogpost I was going to write you that I want to start creating a “White Tigress inspired” company. A coaching company of some sort, where I help people restore their sexuality even without a partner.
Learn them to cultivate their sexuality internally.
And there was more- because I wanted to write about it as well. I wanted to write as a way of developing and exploring my own sexuality. I was thinking, maybe a 365 days book about how to develop your own White Tigress-inspired sexual identity?

Because I had missed “that” book!

The past year, sometimes multiple times a week, I would have a deep longing to read “my life book”. To read the book, about the sexual theory and practice that I aspire to adopt and the path that I want to live, only to realize that it does not yet exist!
That if I want to read such a book, I need to write it myself.

The White Tigress books do not fulfill that need for me because much like yoga they are too practical and yet not practical enough.
What I have learned about sexuality and about running and building a business is that it is never about practicalities.
Good sex and building a successful business both come from having an often inborn, completely natural way of understanding how to be in the moment with someone.
An understanding of who you are, being able to hold yourself either as a lover (sexuality) or as a professional (business), and at the same time HOLDING THE SPACE for your clients (business) or your lover (sexuality) as well!

Good sex comes from two people being able to hold the space themselves and for each other, and a good business is you creating a space where your clients love to pay you.
Having that wisdom means that although I am intrigued with all the physical and spiritual practices in the book White Tigress; I know the essence to finding “that” youthfulness, acquiring that life force, and becoming that independent in your sexuality as the White Tigress, has nothing to do with any of those practicalities. 

Just like having a successful business or a great sex life does not have anything to do with the practicalities either.

So I knew that if I wanted what the White Tigress “stood for”, for me, I could not just study that book. In fact, I resent even using the word White Tigress, because it feels I am associating myself with something that is not what I am about.
And yet I know that calling myself, or the search, White Tigress-inspired, will be very beneficial for those books from Hsi Lai.
Have a new generation, who can get to know them. 

So when I opened this blog I thought I would start working/ build a new company, in this “White Tigress” field, as LS Harteveld.
To after 5 years of hardly writing as my alter-ego (not counting years of pandemic musings, where I analyse my rapid decline of both connection to society as well as to my own sexuality), bring back inspiration in the same way as I have done under my real name;
With a company.
The book or blogposts I would write about it, would then support my professional offer/ coaching for women.

But then I realized that my sexuality is required to be under my real name. That the reason I am not IN my business in the same way as I used to be IN my writing/ being LS Harteveld, is because I have not yet made sexuality part of who I am in the real world.
When it is the only thing that can bring me back.

I chose the title to this blog “Ready to put a ring on it, but don’t know which finger”, meaning I was ready to put a ring on getting serious about my White Tigress inspired path, including exploring the path, monetizing everything I already know (which is so much!), and including writing;
But that I just didn’t know “which finger”;
LS Harteveld or my real name?
Which one, was the White Tigress?

In the past every time I wanted to commercialize LS Harteveld, I stepped away from it. But at the start of this blog post I was sure that this time, White Tigress would end up as a business, and under LS Harteveld.
But then I discovered my sexuality was required, under my real name.
That it is the secret ingredient for me to fully be in my businesses, as well as for me to connect with society again.
That the sterile version of me under my real name, will no longer suffice.

So I think I just answered my own question. And in our coaching call, I will definitely welcome your take on it, because your input on my yoga business has been indispensable in creating an offer for my yoga business that makes my heart sing!- 
but I think that broad strokes, the answer is dual;
I need the White Tigress path to be both.

I need my White Tigress inspired sexuality to be an exploration, a blog, a story, a renewal of my work as LS Harteveld. It is here, where I will write about my White Tigress inspired journey!
And I need my sexuality to be part of my identity as a professional, in particular of the international coaching company. 

Maybe I don’t need a third company after all.
And maybe that just like all the other times, LS Harteveld does not have to be commercial nor professional. 
I can just be a writer here, like I always was.

And then the White Tigress, who pulled me on the right path in 2007, can do her trick once more.
And after years of being disconnected, bring me back into the world.

As I wrote this post, another insight struck me. Because I know I am meant to have two lovers, not one. And I ve become increasingly surprised, this man has not yet shown up!
lol
But what I now think, is that the reason I know I am meant to have two, is because I am two people. I am both.
And the reason “he” has not yet appeared, is that I have kept my sexuality out of my real persona. My real persona has not been very sexual. I’ve certainly downplayed that side of myself.
No wonder he never came.
I think that becoming whole for the first time under my real name, will have the ripple effect of attracting a second lover, who I have known for ages I am supposed to have.

And that my current lover, has been the lover of LS Harteveld.
But the new lover, will be on the other side.

There where the wild things, also, are.

Books 

My diaries are available at LULU 
New books will be added.

Nederlands blog:
https://zegmaarlauren.com/