My Aids phobia origin story. Explained with Star Wars and Covid | The C Diaries episode 3

Published on by LS Harteveld
warning this post contains references to mental abuse, spoilers for Star Wars, and may be triggering in many other by me unforeseen ways
This is my series about my Covid induced celibacy. Although I am not celibate because my aids phobia returned, but because the social dynamics around Covid are similar; This time does bring back memories of that time. And we must realize the current generation of teens is having an extremely rough start of their sex lives. Comparable to the 80s, or even worse.
click on photo for source & “review” of how passable this poster was
They say anyone discussing Star Wars always ends up talking about episode 8, The Last Jedi. This movie revealed the difference in how the original Star Wars fans had interpreted Episode 7, which was as a good continuation of their beloved trilogies The Originals and The Prequels; And the story the new fan base, one of them being me, had seen Episode 7, which was a love story. In the two year slipstream after “7” the two groups collided on forums and social media, and then “8” came out. It favored the new group. And triggered something that could easily pass as a two year war. Until “9” came, and the victory went to the first group. According to the new fans, the second group, this sequel trilogy, as far as 7 and 8 went, was a love story between the good (Rey, the girl from Jakku, who had darkness at her core), and the bad, the dark side warrior Kylo Ren who was at his core good. Together they would bring balance to The Force. Until “9” came, and Kylo Ren ended up dead and Rey in the desert eating sand. Exactly the way she started. It might be tempting to some, to immediately say I and all the other “Reylos” as we called ourselves, were right and “they” were wrong.  But that would surpass the fact that in reality, the majority – in power, not in numbers – always wins. And that evil is surprisingly mundane. Just as it turned out to be surprisingly easy for Lucas Film to turn its back on the entire new fan base the franchise had gotten. Episode 9, the closing episode of the sequel, was a lifeless movie that seemed a last minute cut and paste hackjob where the ending doesn’t even hold original material but is photoshopped together with main character being wiped out. Much of the audio, changed script, were last minute audio recordings, hastily added. There are no memorable quotes in “9”. Even Kylo’s line from the trailer, a broody “But I do”, in response to Rey saying no one knew her, was cut from the final movie.  That’s how easy it was to make my aids phobia happen. It was a last minute cut and paste, to give the people who mattered a better feeling about it. And just like the new Star Wars fans were accused of “seeing things that weren’t there” and “overreacting” (more about that in a minute); That’s how my phobia, to this day, is usually met. I m exaggerating and besides: Why don’t I just get an aids test, and then I know I don’t have it, and we can all move on? One of the many “proofs” that the fairy tale ending was never meant to be, is a story about one of the smaller parts in “7”; The actor who played it has gone on record saying that Rey was always meant to be a Skywalker, and therefor she could never become lovers with Kylo because he was family. Hence this actor had delivered the proof the fairy tale story line was never going to happen. Just like an aids test is not going to change the narrative of an aids phobia, is an actor, an idea, or even written proof that at one time of filming the premises was that Rey was a Skywalker, going to change the narrative of 7 and 8. But that’s not the way the fans of The Originals and The Sequels see it. New Star Wars fandom had drawn conclusions based on the fairy tale like “7”, which had never been there. It was simply not true. And fortunately after initially “8”, The Last Jedi, being on the team of these new fans, 9 corrected it. And after 9? Well, they were simply overreacting to their cookie being taken. A cookie which clearly did not belong to them because it belonged to the fans from the original and prequel trilogy. It wasn’t until this week, that I put the pieces together, and realized why this is. Because any new information that does not support our own, internalized reality,  and choices we made in the past, causes high levels of stress. This is called cognitive dissonance. * [ * follow the work of @jax_bayne ] It is clearly much easier to accuse the other party of not seeing reality clearly. And it becomes even more easy when the majority can accuse the minority simply of having misinterpreted reality. People with a sense of belonging in this world (which definitely excludes autistic, highly gifted Reylos with an aids phobia) have beliefs and convictions that are not meant to be a reflection of the real world; They are a convenient interpretation of the world (including ignoring injustice). This ensures their own survival and allows them to achieve or acquire things like love, status, money. A psychologist would be able to tell you more, but my estimate is that the people who do not automatically adjust their inner-story and convictions to that of the majority or the culture they live in, would fall into three categories: 1. the vulnerable ones These are the ones who cannot hide their convictions, nor understand why the convictions of others are so vastly different. 2. the idealist ones These are the ones who think the reason other people do not understand them is lack of the correct information. Instead of an opposing interest. 3. the winners These are the ones who have perfect understanding why people adopt convictions that are not based on reality, and can therefor easily ignore it or even apply the mechanisms to push their own agenda (manipulation).
I have never considered myself an idealist, but 2020 has definitely been the year where I have made it my personal goal to get from 1 to 3. To fully accept that people have a right to believe whatever it is they want, or what makes them feel loved and accepted and helps them get ahead. And that this means that the rest of us have to be very firm on our boundaries and our rights. Because they sure as hell are not going to do it for us. The minorities will always lose, just like the Reylos lost, unless you uplevel yourself the fuck up from a “1” or a “2” into a glorifying “3” who will gaslight them back with a vengeance. . Because unless you do that, in all likeliness, 2020 is not going to be your year. The Star Wars sequel trilogy has not been satisfying. And you would have been crushed by the aids education of the 80s.
But once you make your peace that aids education, Star Wars and Covid regulations were never meant for you? Once you understand you were never invited to the party, and that the only thing asked of you is that you do not disturb it? It becomes a lot easier to bypass the urge to have a conversation about it.
.
For example.
If you have been suffering from anger and frustration that Covid measures do not reflect any logic or deeper lying values? Simply start viewing them as a random collection of measures that give “most of us a sense that something is being done”. Because that is exactly what they are supposed to do.
.
For example. If you felt it was treacherous that Star Wars 7 and 8 had set us up for a fairy tale ending, only to then betray those invested in that story line with Star Wars 9? View Disney Lucas Film and the Star Wars franchise as an enterprise that is only interested in making money, and once they noticed the fans from the prequels and originals making so much fuss over “8” they changed their course. They tailored “9” the best they could to what the old fans wanted to see, and marginalized the story about Rey and Kylo-Ren. Because that is exactly what happened.
. For example. If you have an aids phobia that you should probably throw a shower this year, because it is at its 35th anniversary, and feel that maybe the adults in the 80s should have been more careful than to make not- catching aids an individual responsibility of 15 year old virgins. Should maybe not have written brochures in blood. And you still feel, well, a little unresolved over this? Even after all that time. Then know that the sex education with regard to Aids was never meant for you. It was only there to not conflict with all the sixties left-over issues from a former generation.  To soothe people who had taken tremendous risks with drugs, free-sex, life in communes and traveling the world, meanwhile failing to create safe environments for their children. Because that is exactly what it was. 
Aids was the perfect scapegoat, so that the entire generation who had grown up in the 60s and 70s, and just at the moment when it became clear that capitalism had won, nuclear war was more pending than ever, and that nothing would remain from all the ideals of the generations past; There was something new and fresh to distract them from reflecting on that.
. All they needed to do, and then everything would be alright, was to wrap up the responsibility ball, attach a brochure to it that suggested there was such a thing as “safe sex”; And pass it on to the next generation.
.
Because that was exactly what it was, and maybe no one understands how you feel.
But I do.
.
~Lauren An unexamined life is not worth living Books 
My diaries are available at LULU New books will be added. The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready, is to subscribe to this blog. Button on this page, probably on the top right. Or follow my Facebook page / Twitter: @LSHarteveld
Nederlands blog: https://zegmaarlauren.com/

Discover more from LS Harteveld

Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.