On top of her game, Lauren feels fully confident she’s got it all under controle.
She’s a mistress.
And she’s good at it.
Until she makes a terrible discovery.

For the past four years, the most important objection from my friends, in regard to my mistress status, has been;
“But how can you do this to his wife?!”
This question always comes from female friends. Male friends tend to be totally undisturbed by that aspect. Naturally they have their own wives to worry about, and many of them don’t even become friends because the price of seeing me is too high, and the revenues too low.
You re not going to invest in secrecy, if you don’t know if you’re going to score.
And you’re not going to make a stand fighting for your freedom to have female friends, if you intend to sleep with me.
It would be like alarming the dogs, before you break into the house.
So although the “few” men who actually make it to a date with me, do have questions regarding my choice to be a mistress, it’s never how I work around my guilt over what I m doing to Big’s wife.
First of all, Big’s situation was easy because I didn’t know his wife. I do have one male friend, whose wife accidentally became a client of mine.
At that point I made her my priority.
And the friend and me reviewed our friendship, first checking in with her. If it had been necessary I would have chosen not to see him for a while, even though he is one of my absolute favorites.
So once I have a relationship with a woman, I will never get involved with her husband or boyfriend, not even for friendship if it would bother her.
But other than that I don’t feel guilty.
There are so many reasons this aspect of being a mistress doesn’t bother me.
The biggest chunk of it is that I don’t like (here we go);
Being part of a group;
And a group of women in particular;
I don’t like shared identities;
Not among women and not between man and wife;
I think most marriages are claustrophobic;
And that most women are mean to their husbands;
And that most men victims, who have lost their masculinity;
And what I do is basically set things straight.
I m the wolf that keeps the population healthy. And sometimes I don’t even have to do something.
I can recall multiple situations where the sheer presence of me, the thought of me (a beautiful woman wanting to date her husband) completely transformed a marriage, without ever going on a date.
Marriages that had been stuck for years were suddenly wide awake, now that there was another woman unapologetically offering herself to the male, and usually I really only had friendly feelings for him.
Although I would never say:
I think I kind of liked watching how it all played out.
That I saw it as a purge, as the two of them weeding out all the toxins that had been building up between them.
And I ve also witnessed couples that had been dating for a long time, and he had not committed and she was letting him get away with it, suddenly shifting into the highest gear, when she realized the space was being used to see me.
Then she would step up and show the pre-breeder stage she was already in. Waiting impatiently, but pretending to keep her cool.
You can’t keep you’re cool with the wolf around.
No one can!
And I m so happy to be the wolf, it’s the best part for sure.
So although Mr.Big is my only lover, my impact has been much greater than just his marriage. You could even say that Big’s marriage is least impacted by me. And the men who are my friends or at one point were about to become a friend, that those marriages or relationships were the ones that changed.
That’s the place where the herder is now watching the sheep like a hawk.
Or make the meadow really nice, so that the sheep doesn’t bother to graze somewhere else.
Or remembers to always go home.
Big’s marriage however, has not been impacted by my presence at all. They didn’t have conversations where my name came up, they didn’t reinvent their marriage.
He just got himself a little something extra on the side.
That he’s enjoying exactly as often as he wants to.
And I know – he never told me this explicitly but I could hear this between the lines – that during our affair he has become a better husband.
Because he has created his own solution for the moments he doesn’t feel loved at home. So that they can make up as soon as she’s ready, or they are ready. And he’s not holding on to anger.
If Mr.Big had not started taking care of himself this way, their relationship would have had many more bad days the past couple of years, than it did.
So that’s why I don’t feel guilty:
Because first of all, I believe this is Mr.Big’s choice.
I even believe it’s his bloody nature to need two women with whom he shares vastly different things, but that’s up to him and other men who have mistresses to tell that story. Not up to me.
The second reason I don’t feel guilty towards the wife is because like I said, I think Mr.Big’s marriage has improved with me on the side.
His wife may be lied to, but she’s getting the benefits, for sure.
An independent husband who takes responsibility for himself first, and doesn’t let himself be tamed. What a tremendous gift he’s giving her.
So no.
I don’t feel guilty.
For all of the above reasons.
However, on a practical level, I have been concerned with how being a mistress could be dangerous, because of the wife and public opinion, if this blows up.
The mistress is always the one who’s wrong, the villain.
In the movie Fatal Attraction this storyline is played out, by actually making the mistress into an aggressor. But I don’t need to be aggressive to make women hate me.
To justify being aggressive towards me.
Whether I sleep with their husband yes or no.
It’s the reason I m writing in English, and will never be on Dutch tv or such, speaking about mistresshood, even though I have SO MANY things to say about it!
But I’m not going to put my life on the line for this, I m really not.
I know what I am, right?
I want to inspire other women like me (who like mystery and having only one partner) to be a mistress. Because it can be done in a good way. You don’t have to create a blood bath with a meadow full of dead sheep.
Being a good mistress is something you can learn.
And I can teach you how.
Just like I can show men how a mistress can have a place in your life.
However, I am not going to give my life for this.
Like I said: it’s not my problem if your life is a blood bath with too many cadavers, if your husband is a spineless push-over, which you by the way created yourself; Or if you re consumed with bitterness and rage because life is not giving you what you want.
I did the work and I invested big time, in figuring this out. And the mistress does play a significant role in keeping everybody happy.
Yet, I still want to go to the supermarket without being bothered. Or hated.
So this work will be in English, and if I ever do media, it will be English too.
In English media I m this overseas, exotic writer, with her European ideas. Which is way less threatening, than someone who lives in the same country or even same city.
That way I try to limit the risks for myself.
But I can’t avoid risk entirely.
My biggest fear has always been that my current affair is going to get me killed.
If our affair would come out, 99% of women, and all men who want to stand out as a new candidate for Mrs. Big to date (now that her marriage has collapsed) will think it’s completely fair to turn their aggression on me.
The mistress.
And Mr.Big will be nowhere to be found, because he’ll focus on saving what he can from his marriage, and his relationship with the children.
I would have to face it alone.
That has been my biggest fear.
Now naturally, I think it’s worth it. But it’s one of the reasons why I would never go to bed with a married man, and take it lightly.
“Am I prepared to pay for this affair with my life?”
That’s my line of thought.
Now there are reasons why I believe being Big’s mistress in particular, includes this risk. Which may explain why I did something stupid…
Why I did an online investigation of Christopher, in order to find out more about him. Christopher and me have been friends in real life, but we never added each other on Facebook.
Nor do we have a shared circle of friends.
Christopher has ended our friendship, because I have confessed my feelings to him, and he doesn’t want to see me anymore.
But it doesn’t feel like the end of it.
It still feels as if some time in the future, I m going to be his mistress, or at least discuss this option with him in all seriousness.
Not to rationalize what I did, because obviously I should have waited screening him until he wanted to get back in touch, but I couldn’t help myself.
I had to know.
It took some time to figure things out, because both he and his wife had secure profiles. But I have a knack for Facebook, and Google photos did the rest.
And there it was.
I couldn’t believe what I saw.
The wife of Mr. Big, the affair that was already putting me at risk of being lynched, was linked to the wife of Christopher. Both were serving the same public cause: a powerful organization that presented itself as charity, but there were persistent rumors that it was tied to sectarian practices.
Including burning down everything that stood in their way, in a variety of ways.
Intimidation and blackmail.
Lawsuits and bribes.
Some say murder.
If I would have an affair with Christopher and it would blow, his wife would have the same powerful organization backing her up, as Mr.Big’s wife.
And possibly?
Mrs. Big and Mrs. Christopher, would also find each other.

An unexamined life is not worth living

Want to know what happens next?
The subscribe button to this diary is somewhere on the right.

or follow Twitter ; or Facebook

Borderline is the eighth chapter from Project M. 

tenth anniversary of the book that changed my life!

Summer 2008 I started writing in English.
Dutch American Diary 
Just like now, I was in love with two men. And just like now, they were both taken.
And – yes, just like now –  I had no idea where life would take me.
This 2008 diary became the only thing that offered stability during a time where I had just left my partner after fourteen years and the two new men were driving me crazy.

A book about starting over in your mid-thirties and reinventing yourself as a lover;
As a woman;
And as a vengeful fury from hell.

Als je Nederlands bent is 22 erotische verhalen een aanrader.
Maar je kunt natuurlijk ook gewoon de hele shop leegkopen.


These are my English titles:
Dutch American Diary 2008-2009  €15
LS Diary 2012-2013                                € 10
Bedtime Stories 2014                            €15
Mirage 2014                                               €5
Big, diaries and erotica 2015-2016 € 20
Get a 25% discount on all prices in the shop.
Select your store f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

De volgende Nederlandse boeken
zijn ook op voorraad bij boekhandel de Feeks in Nijmegen
verzending gratis v.a. € 17,50

Het Boek Benjamin           € 45
verzameld werk NL en Engels.
Het enige boek dat hier niet inzit is Witte Tijgerin, dus mijn andere Nederlandse boeken zitten hier wél in.

Mango                                 €15
coming of age novelle

22 erotische verhalen   € 15
literaire pornografie in de geest van Anais Nin

Witte Tijgerin                  €5
gids voor solitaire vrouwen die een geweldig seksleven willen en plenty energie



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s