This is a letter to my creativity coach Sara
Before our call I always give her a headsup.
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Dear Sara,

I could have literally copy pasted my previous letter to you (“How I lost Lauren“), because it feels like in the field of reviving my alter-ego self Lauren Harteveld, surprisingly if not disturbingly little was done.

The urgency of needing to save myself, take measures with lightning speed and in a timeframe that would take the breath away of the bravest one, with potential consequences as severe as costing decades of your life if you get it wrong, and in all probability still capping your life by years if you get it right;
Took over.

And every measure, every restraint, every worldly, accountable commitment a reason for Lauren to not want to live. 
As all is way too vibrant for a shadow self, a mystery self, or even a whisper of real self, to exist.

There is currently only space for that which can be rounded off, defined, quantified, or squeezed into the tightest of forms.
There is nothing here that I would call A Life. Let alone something luscious enough for Lauren to want to return.
There is only the blinding brightness of reality.

So yeah: I could have just copied the previous post.
Nothing much has changed, as far as Lauren goes, or as far as interesting, sexy, luscious things to write about goes.
If anything it got worse, for there are now so many things which when I think about them – and these can be images, visuals, or neutral language, explaining medical risks or body parts – that are etched in my memory and when they float by I shiver and cringe! 

Yet I chose not, to repeat the previous title or the content of that post.
And focus on the tiny rays of sunshine, the flicker of light that I couldn’t even promise is really actually there, but that I choose to see.
I choose to believe in a future where Lauren can come back.

First of all, a very positive development, is that I have experienced so many heartwarming cooperation. So many people, both in my personal life, professional life, as well as people who are there to help me, who are all going the extra mile for me, and I wouldn’t yet say “committing” to helping me, because they are just as baffled and unsure how we’ll make this work as I am;
But for now, they are definitely on board and they have declined the escapes I provided for them.

Now although this is absolutely not a reason for Lauren to return, it does make the life “real me” has, and will be having, so much better.
I’m not going to think too long about what would have happened if that army of positively responding people had not been there, but it would have made things a hell of a lot harder.

And the second positive thing, is that my medication is working.
It’s not a miracle drug though, and I have already absolutely bumped into limits, and will probably need a life-long commitment to a lifestyle cross over between an athlete and senior-citizen!
But providing I manage to crack the code, and get myself in check, the medication will be able to provide a very firm foundation both under my physical as well as my mental health.

And then thirdly, I can feel my sexuality return.
Slowly!

It’s not earth shattering yet, and it is “only” solo, and only a return of physical sexual strength. So I am not developing new romantic interests, nor am close to existing romantic interests.
They hold their distance, and so do I.
With this body, that didn’t have sex for over a year and that seemed to have gone through so much, I am not sad there isn’t a candidate for a real affair.
Just a little online flirting, or sometimes just knowing someone is there;
It’s enough.

I have lost about 5 kilos since a year ago.
The largest part of it was unintentionally, but since twelve days I have a daily walking routine and it seems to consistently be shaving off a little each week.
Although it scares me I will be breaking a spell by saying it out loud!

But my body slowly losing the weight I put on in all those horrible years, feels good.
I knew dieting or forcing, was never going to be my thing. I knew I needed deeper healing, and that there was a cause for the weight gain. That fighting it would make it worse.

Seeing the scales going down, my routines settling, and my body restoring with a little pharmaceutical help, feel like the first steps of creating a life Lauren would want to return to.

Like a ship has left the harbor, the sails have been hoisted, and we are on our way.

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~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living