Thursday 16 November, 1998 11 PM

I feel so alone, so sad Bear left me and did not choose for me. I prefer his absence as a sign he no longer wants me in his life, to the breaking up from December 1994. I prefer having had the good times, the best times even, as recent as first half 1997, to having missed out on them. Which would have been the case if he had not returned and the breakup had been permanent. So I don’t have any regrets.

I prefer the coldness of this breakup to one where I crash and burn, something which fortunately has never happened with Bear. I was already over that when I met him. No man will ever break my heart again, and no man, ever has. I was 16 and it was a boy, not a man. I grew up quickly.  There are many other things I like including: -being indifferent to new men, maybe I will fall in love again, maybe not. It is of no interest to me, I do not pursue. -knowing how to prioritize my career. One year ago I promised myself three things. 1. Do yoga every day 2. build a business and 3. to go all in on my writing I only did (2) and still I m mostly dependent on writing assignments from old contacts. But I’m sub-teaching yoga too, and I have my own class. I m starting teaching privates now. But this diary, the one I wanted to publish the first volume of, has fallen flat. I neither write for it, nor publish. I have no idea in what phase the manuscript is or where I have the file. But I think the problem with publishing the diary is that it is too confronting because it is about the time I was still with Bear, and I don’t want to read  it. So it is time to recommit. 1. yoga every day 2. build a business 3. all in on my writing Friday 17 November 11.15 PM Feel 100% better than yesterday. The loneliness is transforming to a desire to do yoga. An acknowledgement that if I don’t want finding another man to be a priority in my life, or even resent having the task all together, then my task is to take care of my body. To give it pleasure myself. I only did yoga tonight but really see the absolute necessity  (knowing the sexual ambition that I have) to do yoga twice a day: AM + PM And become familiar with my body and be aware of it, just like with sex. Saturday 18 November 10.45 PM Good news and bad news. The good news is I wrote an entire article for the Bon Jov fanclub magazine, and I also had a day out with a friend. Making this really feel like weekend, I was no longer pre-occupied with work. The bad news is I am so tired I barely made it through taking my make-up off and brushing my teeth. I feel utterly spent and there was no way I could do my yoga. So clearly, if I want that done I need it to earlier in the day, AND cannot afford to write in the morning. The other bad news is that I still miss Bear. I am both happy for all the incredible years we had, as well as shocked that apparently he can just walk away from it. I know what we had was damn special and that it’s hard to come by. All women want to pin him down and make him the father of their babies. But regardless of if he wants that too and shares their dream, the pinning down, or settling down, inevitably comes at the cost of sexual attraction being deminished. I don’t know any woman who would come close to offering him what I have offered. And the 8 years it lasted, prove we’re the real deal. That I am, the real deal. Combined with the actual, factual truth that in any sexual relationship the real raw sexual attraction always dies out, this leads to the conclusion that I always win. Either he doesn’t have that sexual chemistry with someone else, or he does, but then it falls to pieces by the very nature of their monogamous involvement. Smothered, by playing house. So logically, in the area of sex, I should always win. Like a casino, house always wins. Maybe I’m not afraid that he gains more, wins more, experiences more, with his real girlfriend. But that he quit gambling all together. . ~Lauren98 Body first, business second, boy optional. | 1998 diary is the fourth chapter of book 4, diary 1997-1999