January 4, 1995

I finally cracked the code why the sexual tension keeps on building between the Slash-like painter I’m in love with, and me.  
We both seemed very determined not to throw any fuel on any fire, the last time I saw him was all extremely respectable.    
So then why can’t I stop thinking about him?     
Why do I keep having the feeling him raising his hand wishing me a happy new year and good luck with the cats, is not going to be the last time we see each other?       
And even more so that the tension not just keeps on building despite both of us not acting on it; But because of it.      
Our “distant” dynamics are like buckets of gasoline thrown straight onto the fire.      
But why? Now I know why.

And I also know what either one of us would have to do to break the spell;             
And that neither one of us, is going to do that!   
But before I get into that, I want to first explain why things have gotten so heated.

For starters, even though Slash and me seem to be behaving identically, we are both playing a different role. It only looks as if we’re both distant, formal even.    
But underneath the surface, our roles are different from each other…
Very, different.

When Slash holds his distance, sidelines me by letting me know he’s married, tries to hook me up with his colleague even, he does it from a position of taking the lead.            
His actions say: “I have no room for you in my life.”       
He keeps it clear that our chance encounter when he painted my balcony was a one-off thing. The click between us might have taken him by surprise at the time, but that he’s going to leave it at that. When he avoids physical contact and proximity for example by choosing to sit at the table instead of next to me on the couch, he’s saying:           
“I like you, but I’m not going to act on this. And I want to be clear on that.”             
However, that is not what my distance means.   

My distance means:      
I respect you.    
I will never initiate.       
You decide.       
You don’t owe me an explanation.          
His distance communicates he’s not available but inadvertently (or intentionally?) makes him dominant.    
My distance communicates I respect his choices but also that I comply to his wishes.
My distance makes me submissive.

His rejection and my cooperative understanding have turned into a highly volatile situation.           
He’s taking the lead and I’m complying.
It’s like mini-sex.

Having said that, it is now blatantly obvious how either one of us can break the spell effectively: By breaking pattern.            
The moment I try to seduce him or take initiative either sexually but especially verbally, by speaking to him about my feelings; 
The spell is broken.       
And vice versa the moment he puts me in the lead, for example by claiming to be overwhelmed by his feelings for me or complaining he does not know what to do:   
The magic is gone.

The reason I think neither one of us will let the magic die out by talking about it, is because we are both fascinated by it.           
Even if we don t act on it.           
Maybe especially then.