The Baby Koala Relationship


video: The dominant, Christian, breaks.
All relationships inadvertently experience power struggle in the beginning;
An extremely stressful period when the couple gets to know each other and the bond is forged. In that way Christian and Ana are no different. 

One of the things I am extremely proud of, is that I now know what type of relationship I would “want”.
Want is a strong word, because if it doesn’t come along that is perfectly fine too.

Maybe that I found out which  relationship I “have to offer” is a better way of putting it.
This is The Baby Koala Relationship.
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In 2006 I became single to experience falling in love and then making love, preferably with a variety of men.
Although I had been very successful at long time relationships, I had always found the honeymoon phase of it the most intoxicating, and the rest of it so pale compared to that first period.
I thought if that is the fate of having a relationship, then the least I can do is have some time off from it, and end short relationships when it is no longer working.
Or, perhaps, I would even find the holy grail of how to keep things exciting.
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After ten years of experiencing a variety of relationships and dating situations, I discovered I was a mistress:
A lover can contact me for a date, and if we both feel like it we can let it expand to sex.
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But I felt I was missing a piece of the puzzle, which was how could we move forward from that?
What comes after being lovers, if it’s not a normal relationship?
What was my next level?
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That’s when the Baby Koala Relationship came along.
Because you see, The Mistress is not the only aspect of my personality. On the other end of the spectrum I am the baby koala.
I think we all have these extremes, and try to juggle between them to satisfy all of them.
And that the reason normal relationships get so boring is that everything is tailored to not upsetting each other’s baby koalas. But meanwhile the inner lover (including the inner mistress) is just starving.
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So what I did all those years, is to focus on being the mistress. But this meant that I had to take care of my own inner baby koala.
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The day after sex (it does help to go home/ sleep at home), or when I see a lover with another woman, or any other situation that you can just feel the ground drop from beneath your feet;
I cannot go to him.
I cannot “make this” on him.
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And that is why it is so hard, and why almost no one, not even the most determined single who swears he or she will “take things slow”, can hold that up.
Why it always ends up being the exact same push and pull, and drama, that either makes it into a relationship, or (more likely) the lovers part because one of them thought the other one “good enough” for sex, but freaks out at the idea of calling this a relationship.
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The relationship serves both as a way to avoid having to care for your own stressed out baby koala (the part of yourself that needs connection, unconditional love, and regular feeding times);
And the relationship also puts an end to the immediate stress the power struggle causes.

The essence of being a mistress or a successful single, is that you take care of your own baby koala, and refuse to take care of someone else’s baby koala.
This can be done bluntly, by simply not responding to day-after text messages or acting that it “meant nothing” and accusing the other person of “overreacting” and of being stupid because it was only one night, or a few weeks.
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But a wiser and certainly more elegant way to avoid having to take care of someone else’s baby koala is to anticipate it, and give the other extra time to think it over.
In a way you are taking care of the baby koala of the other person, because you’re pointing out to the potential lover that you will not be there for them afterwards.
And that they have to think about that in advance.
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It provides cushioning for the other person and it makes it easier for yourself to resist fixing someone else’s feeling of misery after being that intimate with you.
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From what I see men are better capable of pushing away unpleasant feelings after sex, and women (and this most certainly involves me) are more likely to fall prey to extreme feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness even.
Sex – but this really is the right time to start to include dating, internet dating, any kind of conversation with someone you’re interested in –
is the perfect catalyst to bring everything up, that you thought you had dealt with a long time ago.
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No wonder people try to project and attach these feelings of discomfort, to someone else.
And how he or she behaved, or what he or she should have done, or they blame themselves for being wrong or ruining their chances.
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But when you are a mistress, or want to avoid getting caught in a relationship, it is so important to realize that these feelings are never about someone else.
They’re about you.
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And an, I think, very appealing way to see that hurt, and upset part of you, is as a little baby koala, who did not feel unconditionally loved when you were with your lover or in that conversation;
And it’s in pain.
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That’s when you have a baby koala regroup day.
A day where you deliberately take time off from figuring your dating life or your emotions out, and focus on your inner baby koala instead.
Because trust me: 
As long as that little fellow is upset, nothing will get done anyway.
Nothing will get figured out, until your little baby koala has had its eight hours of sleep, its Disney movie, three warm meals a day and a soft blanket to cuddle with.
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In the movie 50 Shades of Grey, there is a scene where Christian shows Ana both his play room/ SM room, as well as the separate bedroom that is there for her, for after they have had sex.
So he is clearly preparing her for being alone after sex, but the dishonesty about it is that he pretends that she will want that.
He says, in the movie 50 Shades part 1:
“If you agree to do this, you’re gonna want your own room.”
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When what he’s really saying is:
“I can’t deal with your upset baby koala, who will want infinite cuddles and unconditional love the entire night and beyond.”
Because that’s exactly what it is.
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The average drama-free relationship, is organized in a way that neither of the two inner baby koalas gets upset.
And therefor whenever there is trouble, it is almost always an argument about holding the other person responsible for upsetting it.
Usually because the other person has done something, the inner baby koala interprets as not being loved.
And it’s usually right.
Except there is another way.
As long as you make sure the baby koala of your partner is taken care of, and feels loved, you can have more freedom to see other people, and do your own thing.
The reason the baby koala reacts so strongly to infidelity, sometimes even in very platonic forms of just giving attention to someone else, is because the baby koala has not been seen and taken care of for a very long time.
And it’s only when it is suddenly very visible where all that attention is going, that the shit hits the fan because the baby koala sees that it was not imagination, something is wrong.

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So my next level relationship is one where a man I am having an affair with, wants to move up to becoming the caretaker of my baby koala.
And then he can still have other women, other interests, and so on;
Which will not threaten me because I know I am safe.
I know he’ll be back before my next feeding time.

The only thing I have not told anybody yet, is that I will do exactly the same thing for him.

How could I not.
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~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

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