that woman is ultimately unknowable..
Not only to man, but to herself.
audio commentary to Basic Instinct
Before our coaching call, I always give her a headsup.
Just one part of my life, that easily transcends 25 years back, and I would be able to write about in my 1994 series.
The only filming we did in 1994, was with a camera that had videotapes in them. And we were unlikely to share it with anyone we did not already know.
And if that means I will do him, that would be great. But if not he’ll still be my biggest fan.
That would be like the Next Best Thing, to finding this job.
But it is so tied to modern culture that I have not found a way to translate it to 1994.
And also, the absolute daunting task awaited me, of going through both of the YouTube channels (the description boxes) to clean them up, take out any cross-referencing from my secret pen name to my real name, take out all services that I no longer offer, websites that I no longer support and social media accounts that have changed.
And remove everything that I don’t want biting me in the ass, when I m visible or famous under my real name.
Nor did I want anything online which I did not 100% stood by, the moment I was sending out the most important application of my life.
I can also not work into my 1994 series that YouTube then did the stuff nightmares are made of:
And that’s just the stuff under my real name.
God knows what I edited from my more candid LS Harteveld channel.
That channel could have an atomic bomb of bloopers, that could blow up any career, let alone the carefully crafted public image I was creating under my real name.
It cost me four hours of intense anxiety and full-blown panic on a Monday night.
It saved me days and days of editing description boxes and a guilt trip towards my audience for every video I removed.
A simple apology on both my channels, explaining what had happened and why I removed the videos, was all it took.
I think I owe YouTube a big Thank You.
Yet I did not write anything for the only series that I hold in the highest regard, and that I consider the most pure version of me:
Where I translate my life into a fictionalized past.
She had fallen in love with Michael Douglas.
And now that she owned a videotape of Basic Instinct, she just couldn’t take her eyes off of him.
She was spellbound by his strong, macho on-screen presence. And she was sure the magic was in his voice.
The way he said:
“What the fuck do you want from me Catherine?” while looking straight into Sharon Stone’s eyes, up close, sparked a deep longing in her to be with a man again.
To have a man asking her that question, in an almost bored, definitely not impressed with her, way.
Maybe her ex-lover Bear would?
She still thought almost exclusively about him. Even though he seemed to have really left.
But maybe it would be someone else, someone new who would come into her life and possess that same kind of distant cool, that made her feel safe.
She was sure of it.
An unexamined life is not worth living
Aside from the occasional letter to Sara, this is blog is the home for my
1994 diary where I translate current day events to my 22 year old self in February 1995.
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coming soon: new books
1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2019
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4. Blote Kont- verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit (Dutch)
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