I choose the ride

Marina Abramovic in 7 Easy Pieces (2005)

“Exploring the physical and mental limits of her being, she has withstood pain, exhaustion, and danger in the quest for transformation.”
the Guggenheim on Marina Abramovic

I m waiting impatiently, I m restless. I even made dinner, to take my mind off of things. Even though I could not imagine being able to eat.
Technically, I m waiting for the YouTube video to process, so I can go out for a drink. But it’s more than that. It’s anticipating tomorrow’s Bon Jovi concert.
I feel anxious.

It’s comparable to any situation where I knew I was going to see a lover, an ex, or man from the past, whom I had not seen in a very long time and in case they were famous I had not seen them before at all.
It compares to seeing Brad Pitt.
To the Guns N Roses concerts.
And to the Bon Jovi concert too of course, back in 1988.

But ultimately it’s this point where you have nothing more to say to the world, you’ve ignored business, emails, messages, because you just can’t put your mind to it and you know it will all just have to wait until after.
That you have this big thing waiting and you re not going to be swayed from the path.
Tonight, going out for a drink, will be the moment marking the start of my pre-concert seclusion, dropping out of all communication, and just BE.

And although this is not the first time that I have anticipated something this much, it is the first time that I am aware of what it is I am doing.
Why I am making so much time for this.
Why I m not so much preparing the concert (I still barely know any of the lyrics) but I am preparing energetically.
Because that’s what this is about:
What I have been doing my whole life, is collecting energy.

Not from food, air, or being part of the tribe. Not even from being with a lover so much! But I ll get back to that last bit later.
No what I do is:
I let the things around me trigger me, tease me, excite me, and that in turn generates my own sexual energy.
When I m at my best, I am in this zone where I have completely internalized my sexuality.
To an extend, this is what we all do!
It’s just that I am very aware that being in love, is all projection. That I need to externalize, before I can receive it back.

I hope this all makes sense, but when I m with a lover it plays out like this:

I know we’ll be seeing each other, so I prepare physically and mentally. I become this best version of myself, this intriguing mysterious woman who has it all together and who understands her lover completely.
It’s a version of me I rarely have access to, unless my lover is involved.

And then during our time together, we have this high-level game of attraction but also excitement. It never gets boring or stale because it is never a “done” deal. We don’t automatically have sex or something, and we don’t have a routine in what we’re doing.
We’re completely present in the now.
So in doing this, in playing this game, I am very much aware that although I give my lover all the credit for being able to play this, and to be so important to me: I know the key to having this experience is in my willingness, my eagerness to have it.
If another woman would steal him from me, because she heard from me what a fabulous lover he is, she would only be able to get the pleasure out of him to the extend that she herself is able to play that game.
Of becoming the best version of herself and giving him her trust, sharing her curiosity, and finding a mutual zest for adventure.
It takes two to tango.

So when it comes to seeing my lover, and becoming this next-level woman when I m with him, I ve always known this was like an energetic upleveling.
I knew I was getting more out of it, than just company, or pleasure.
However, that still did not translate to my current obsession with Bon Jovi.
Not until I let all of the epiphanies from the past couple of weeks sink in, and I saw what it is I am doing that I am so addicted to:
Getting high on the energy, of Bon Jovi.

It’s an intoxicating mixture of their layered, highly sexual music – how did I manage to miss that in the 80’s, huh? With a title like Slippery when wet, even –
combined with being in love with Jon Bongiovi.
And then to top it off the concert, here in Nijmegen.
It’s ALL of those things.

And I saw that this is what I have been doing in my love life, my creative life, even my business: I walk away when it gets boring.
I currently have a love life that never gets boring, since I am a secret mistress.
A business that is never boring, since I work under two names and do all of the things (writing, drawing, YouTube, teaching yoga, coaching, making books);
And it is why I make so much space to get the most out of one-off events such as this concert.

I believe that after the concert Bon Jovi will stay in my life, as a permanent addiction to their music, and to doing yoga to their playlist.
For the first time I understand WHAT it is I do:
I collect excitement, uncertainty, but most of all I collect sexual energy.
I let it rise and rise, to levels normal people would require to have it satisfied. I don’t. I enjoy it even when it gets painful. Maybe you could even say, with my preference for unavailable men, that’s when I start liking it.
When the pleasure becomes pain, because of jealousy, because of abstinence, because of so much longing that will never be fulfilled.

And even if it is fulfilled, then there is the excruciating pain of the day after, or the pain of a breakup.
There is always plenty of pain to be found.
What I m starting to realize is that I get energy from this roller coaster of highs – the moments most of us can recognize pleasure.
And from the lows – the things that are unfulfilled, and painful.

What I have come to understand, is that I enjoy it all.
I m in it for the ride.
An unexamined life is not worth living

7-Figure Rock Star Writer

This is the nineth chapter of
7-figure Rock Star Writer part 3: Submission

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